On Mothers and Motherhood.......

I am lucky enough to have my mom still, and I am grateful for her presence, but I'll be honest, I haven't always been.

My mom has had many names:  Sarge, The Great White Huntress, She Who Must be Obeyed and Mu-ther (usually said with an eye roll).  Now she is Mom, Ma if I am trying to get her attention (she is not hearing as well as she used to, unless you whisper, she's still all over a whisper).

My mom and I are close now, but that wasn't always the case.  Truth, I haven't always understood her.  A lot of that changed when I turned 21.  Not because I magically became an adult or because she suddenly "got" me, but because I suddenly "got" her.

That was the night I found out how hard it was for my mom to keep me.  Not have me, that was apparently the easy part, but to keep me.  You see, the thing is, she was planning to give me up for adoption.  She had me, I was in the nursery and she had chosen not to see me.  Then one of the nurses decided to put me in her arms while she was asleep (now with HIPPA and privacy policies and nursing ethics and all, she would have likely lost her job, but thank goodness this was 1969).  She saw me, fell instantly in love (really, I used to be cute, as hard as that is to believe) and decided that she needed to keep me.  Unfortunately, this was 1969, and initial papers had been signed, and she was a single parent.  So, within a few days of giving birth to me, she had to go back to work and earn money to keep me.

Reading the letter my mom wrote to me when I was born sitting at Max's Opera Cafe at Stanford drinking my first (legal) cocktail and heading to see Bill Cosby at the Circle Star, I got it.  I got the hardness, I got the fight I had often witnessed in her.  Most of all though, I got how important I was to her when I was born and that by giving me the letter she had written so long ago, how important I was to her when I turned 21.

Fast forward a little under two years, and I found out I was pregnant.  First, I was shocked, because I would have told you I couldn't be pregnant.  Second, I was shocked because the doctor said I was further along than was biologically possible.  Third, I was shocked because although I was terrified, and needed to know everything I could before I said it out loud, I found that deep down in my heart, in the place where you are brutally honest with yourself, I knew I was going to be a Mom.

When I told my mom, she only had one question for me "What do you want to do?  Whatever the answer to that question is, I will help you do that."  And I knew she would, because she knew.

I had to go to a different hospital in order to get a sonogram, and it was another hour-and-a-half home from that hospital.  I asked the tech how far along she thought I was, told her I just needed to know if the baby was healthy, and asked her to seal the pics in an envelope for me.

I got home, called my doctor and said "I guess I need to set a follow-up appointment, because we're doing this."  She asked me if I freaked out when I saw that it was twins and I dropped the phone and slid down the wall.  I hadn't opened the envelope.  When I did, there they were--two profiles, two melon sized heads.  Two babies.

My mom laughed hysterically and said "You have never once done anything the easy way."  My uncle just laughed uncontrollably and my aunt said "One for you and one for me."

Alex said........well, that's a different story.

Happy Mother's Day Mom--I told our little story out here on the internet because I want people to know that when I say now to people who knew us then that we really are great friends now, they will understand how that happened.  And they will understand when I say Thank You with a great sincerity for fighting so hard to keep me.

Thank you to Alex for making me a better Mom, and thank you to Devin and Gavin for making sure that I have built up my patience inch by inch.  I love you all.

25 years later.......

25 years ago this month I accepted a scholarship and put down a deposit at Mills College.  I can honestly say that if it weren't for Mills College, I wouldn't have the amazingly blessed life that I have.

Everything important in my life now came as a result of my attending a college I had no intention of attending.

You see, 25 years ago as a senior in high school, the idea of a women's college (though I would likely have said a girls school) was absolutely ridiculous to me.  There was this teacher though, Hale Keller.  Mr. Keller was my favorite teacher in high school (I loved many teachers in high school, but Mr. Keller was THE ONE) if he had said "jump" I would have asked "how high?"  So as I was applying to colleges, Mr. Keller said "There is this school in Oakland, and I think you would really like it."  I said, "no thank you."  He then had the information and application sent to me.  When I hadn't applied and the deadline was approaching, he implored me.  He said it would make him really happy if I gave it a shot (which sounded a lot like "jump" to me)---and so, I applied.

I got in, and I got a great scholarship/financial aid offer.  The best I had gotten from any school, but I still didn't want to go.

Then they sent information for Prospect Weekend, and Mr. Keller said "Well, what could it hurt to go?" So I went, and I took my Mom (which considering how we weren't getting along at the time was rather a miracle).

We drove onto the campus, and Mom (not really given to hysterics) closed her eyes and said "Up here there is a Spanish style building with ivy all over it" and we passed the Music Building.  Then she said "On the corner up here there is a pond with a little fountain in the middle" sure enough there was.  Then she said "There is a huge three story white building with a big oval drive" and there it was, Mills Hall.
We parked and my mom said "When you were less than a year old I had a dream about your college graduation, and this is where it was.  I woke up saying 'I just got her, you can't take her yet.'"  Okay, weird, but still not interested.

Then I met my hostess, Lisa Kremer.  To say that Lisa rocked is sort of an understatement--she really rocked.  She wrote for the school paper, she had awesome friends, and she was so flippin' nice to me (not something I was used to at that age.....even then I was sort of an acquired taste).  Then there were the classes.  Lots of girls (women, I know) with opinions and professors who were listening to them, the classes were small and actually taught by the professors not by teaching assistants.

I was smitten.  I went and spoke with the Admissions Office, accepted their offer and gave them a check for (gulp) $2500.  At that time the largest single check I had ever written.

Many people know what followed.  The first semester I was placed on academic probation, because I had never really learned to study, and the classes were difficult.  I puled it out the second semester, and made it back the next fall--I had great guardian angels.  I made great friends in college--lots of them I still love dearly, and many of whom I would drop everything to help do just about anything.

Then I went to the Theatre Department Open House Barbeque and met this cute guy.  His name was Alex and it turned out he was the son of the Chair of the Theatre Department, his car had broken down on the way from Stockton to Oakland, and I gave him my car to get back.  We started dating, broke up badly, went worse from there and then we didn't speak for five years.  We got back together, got married, merged our families, grew a couple of giant boys, got a cat, got a dog, got a house and are growing old and falling apart together.

I got a lot of things out of my college experience, but, by far the most amazing is my husband--he is my best friend, a great father, one of the most intelligent people I have ever known and an all around fantastic guy.  We have a blessed life and it is all......

.....because Mr. Keller knowing me better than I knew myself :).

It's been a while.....

since I posted.  The last post I put up was about how tough a time we were having finding a house we could afford........well, we did it!

Or house closed last week, and we took possession on Wednesday.  We bought a 3 bedroom, 1 bath house with a nice sized yard that needs some work (the yard, not the house!).  We are having the house rewired, doing a bit of painting and having the floors refinished.  Then we have a new stove and fridge coming in, and the next day all our stuff arrives.  That, by the way, will be December 22.

That morning Alex and I will leave for work and Delancey Street Movers will arrive.  Under the direction of Gavin on the old house end and my mom on the new house end (armed with a map of where things go), they will bring all of our stuff to the new house, and Alex and I will come home to our house for the first time.

That's the theory anyway.

This is the first time we have ever used movers, so we'll see how it goes.  The have a great reputation, and fantastic reviews on Yelp.  My office has used them several times, and they've done well there, so I am confident they will take care of the Tiki bar, stop light, jukebox and all the rest of our furniture.

Thanks to all of you who have been supportive of our search and all the madness of the mortgage process.  Most especially, thanks to our family--without whom we literally couldn't have done this.

Now comes the fun part, owing and owning our own place.  :)

The hunt......

I like a bargain.  No, seriously--I am a bargain hunter extraordinaire.  I like getting good bargains on food, clothes, travel--lots of stuff.  

I'm having a huge problem with this whole house hunting thing, though.  It's frustrating.  Many houses are still priced way too high in our area, and those that are more reasonably priced are either falling down (no, I mean really falling down) or get snatched up by people with more money than us.

So, here I am, frustrated by a process that seems far too complicated, with a ton of paperwork, a computer that almost automatically searches for houses and a desire to find a nice, reasonably sized, reasonably priced house.

Thanks all for listening.

On the Eve of 9/11.........

I'm sitting here tonight, in my house, with my husband and one of the boys, our cat, dog, tortoise and turtle.  I'm sitting here tonight and I'm thinking about all of those families who aren't sitting with their loved ones.  Or who are and don't know how long they have with them because while searching for survivors, remains and clearing rubble their loved ones inhaled and were exposed to chemicals that are killing them in one way or another.

I'm grateful to all who serve our country--whether in the military, as first responders or as other public servants.  I'm amazed as I think of how many people ran towards buildings hit by airplanes, on fire and on the verge of collapse.  I'm amazed as I think of how many untrained, ordinary people helped others to escape and survive.

As I sit here tonight with my comfortable life, I am grateful, amazed and incredibly sad to think of all we lost as a nation on that day.  I'm also struck by how much we've lost since that day.

Too many people don't think about the events of that day often enough.  Too many of us aren't grateful to those around us who make our lives possible.

Tomorrow as I consider 9/11/01, I'll take a moment to pause and consider those who died, those who survived and those who continue to serve.  What will you do?

What a long strange week it's been..........

We almost bought a house.  No, seriously, we had an offer in, a finance guy and a counter offer.  Then the sellers didn't like our counter to their counter, and they sold the house to someone else.

Which is a bummer, I'm not going to lie.  I'm sort of hoping that their deal falls through and they come back to us.  Is that mean or pathetic?

So, now we're house hunting.  We have a pre-approval and everything, just like grown-ups.  Now all we need is a house.

In other news, Devin paid off part of his punitive damages by singing karaoke for us on Saturday night.  Our good friends Rox and Terry, as well as my mom, Gavin's girlfriend and her mom came to watch.  Also on hand were Gavin and Nick--both of whom joined Devin on his last song.

His first selection was Bitch by Meredith Brooks, which he did well at.  My favorite was "I'm a goddess on my knees."

His second selection was Rapper's Delight by the Sugarhill Gang, which he put forth a valiant effort on.

His third selection was chosen by the DJ who thought it was hysterical that Alex and I had chosen this as a consequence.  She went with "Man I Feel Like a Woman."  Gavin and Nick joined in on that one, and the three of them had a great time with it.

Ah Nick.  I'm going to miss Nick when he leaves for school on Sunday.  Not only has he been a great influence on Devin and Gavin, but he is a charming, sweet young man, and I will miss having him around.  I know that he is going to have an amazing first year at college, but I also know that his leaving may lead to moodiness, depression and irritability around our house.  Who knows how it will effect the boys.

There are tragedies and natural disasters happening all around us.  Be nice to people folks, we all have needs sometimes, and we all have bad days.  Making someone else pay for your bad day isn't cool--so says Roman, the produce guy at my Lucky's.

It may not be politically correct, but it works for us.......

We're not normal parents (okay, we're not really normal people, but that's for another blog).

That being said, we have managed (whether by intention, happy accident or sheer dumb luck) to raise two amazing children.  We are both very proud of their accomplishments, but more importantly, we are proud of the men they are growing up to be.  They volunteer, they're nice to kids, animals and old people, they have part-time jobs they've had for almost four years, they're polite and they are just generally good guys.

Sometimes though, they are (either singly or doubly) really stupid.  I mean, ridiculously, hugely and potentially fatally (whether by the action or by the consequence to the action) stupid.

Last night was apparently Devin's turn in the Stupid Soup.  It's been his turn a lot lately--by the way, his name has not been changed to protect him as he isn't innocent.*

Last night though, last night took a big old chunk of cake.  To begin, Devin had no business being out of the house with his friend--no name, he isn't our kid, so it would be rude to out him--as his chores were not done.  If your chores aren't done, you don't go out.  Period.  The fact that we were out meant that he chose to disregard that rule of life.  To add to that, Devin was not supposed to have the car.  Prior to leaving the house, we asked Devin if he had a ride and he said yes.  We said that his brother should have the car as he was working late, and would need to get home.  Devin told his brother that we said he should have the car, since otherwise "it will just be sitting downtown."  He's not wrong, we had that conversation earlier in the week, but before we left, not so much.  Then there was the accident.  In and of itself, not a humungous deal--nobody was hurt, he hit a column in the parking garage at the movie theater while he was retrieving the car to get someone who he didn't have permission to get (remember, he wasn't supposed to have the car) and who we don't know.  Big no-nos, both of those points.  There is some damage.  He dented the back passenger door and the back quarter panel.  The paint is trashed.  The metal is exposed, and I suspect pulling the dents will be the least of it.  On the other hand, we have the option to go through insurance or not and we will need to gather more info before we make that decision.  Not fixing the damage is not an option, as the metal is exposed, and the car is in otherwise very good shape.

Here's the kicker though.  After damaging the car at about 7:45 (by his own account), he proceeded to attempt to pick up previously said non-sanctioned passenger, go back downtown and park (in a lot, not the garage), then buy a ticket and go to the movies.  He told his brother to let him know when he was off of work and he would bring the keys out.  When his brother called at 9:45 to say he was done at work, that's when Devin called us for the first time.  For the first time.  With a lie.  He sounded panicked on the message (we were in a live performance, cell phones off.  He sounded as though it had just happened, and he said that he found the car damaged, that it had white paint on it (no, it had white stripes from the totally removed paint) and that he couldn't find a white car in the parking lot.  He lied to his brother, telling him the same story.  He then proceeded to lie multiple times via text and phone until it was pointed out to him that a fraudulent report could have legal consequences and cause us to lose our insurance coverage.  Then he called and "confessed."  We told him we would deal with it all today, and came home to find that he had not done his chores either.  It was a mess.

Now to the non-traditional part, his punishment.  You see, there are natural consequences (financial in this case), there's the yin/yang balance (public humiliation to all the grown-ups important to him, because we would brag if he had gotten another award or grant or good thing), then there is the revenge.  Im serious.  Revenge.  Lest anyone not know, our twins are 18.5 years old.  They are adults.  They live under our roof (for now) as adults who follow roommate style rules, and the majority of their bills are paid by us (which makes them slightly subservient roommates, but, I digress).

So, to the revenge.  As Devin is extremely musically gifted (please see my facebook post of his recent open mic performance at a local coffee shop--yin/yang folks, yin-yang), and has some performance anxiety issues (don't we all?), we have determined that he will practice and perform acoustic guitar sets at his great-grandmother's senior only apartment building during their dinner hour.  They'll love it, it's a community service and he can have an appreciative audience.  Then, just for fun, he'll be doing some performing for us.  We discovered that one of our local restaurants has live karaoke from 11pm to 1am on Saturdays.  We also discovered that their playlist includes Rapper's Delight--I know you know it, Sugarhill Gang--first full-length rap song, amazing, really, just amazing.  He will be performing that, we will be videoing it, and we will be inviting friends and family to witness it live.  It'll be great, people really.

At the end of all of this, what I want to emphasize is this.  With two adult children starting college, the parenting hasn't yet ended.  We thought it might, because we weren't sure that Devin could handle the conversation about all of this today, and we thought we might have to ask him to leave.  He did really well throughout it though, maturely responded to us,  and helped to put some things in place to ensure that his responsibility to himself and us will increase.

So, all's well that ends well (for not anyway).

*One thing we have been criticized for is making our children's occasional shortcomings public.  We are both big believers in natural consequences and yin and yang.  If you do something stupid, there's a consequence.  If we brag about your accomplishments, we also tell of your lapses in judgement and good sense.  It's all about balance, people.