Who I am versus Who I Want to Be......

I have had nothing but half-asleep, half-drugged time on my hands for the last 10 days.  For those who haven't been following along, I have been sick for a week and a half, and haven't been to work since January 28th, and haven't done much but lay in bed feeling horrible, watch bad televiision and movies, re-read Little Women (total classic, love it!) and think, and think, and think.

Much of my thought has been scattered and bizaree, but part of what I have come up against is the question of who I am versus who I want to be.  I want to be glamorous, sexy, well-spoken and accomplished.  I am frumpy, total PTA mom, crass and have a good career, but I'm not sure those are the same thing.  So then the question becomes how to get from here to there, and here is what I have come up with.

1)  Low maintenance isn't working for me, high maintenance seems like a lot of hassle, therefore I am going to strive for mid-level maintenance.  This is also known as doing the best I can with what I've got :)

2)  My husband thinks I'm sexy, and that is enough for me.  If I work on number one, he is likely to think I am sexier, and that can only work out better for me, right :)

3)  I am not as well-spoken as I would like to be.  I swear way too much, I am far too sarcastic.  I sometimes sound like a moron.  I need to think before I think about speaking, and then I need to think again before I open my mouth.  This is something I can work on and be in charge of, and I need to take charge of it.

4)  I am not accomplished in any of the ways I ever planned to be.  I thought I would be a published author by now.  I thought I would have graduated law school.  I haven't done either of those things.....and I'm not interested in the law school thing anymore (I've now worked with enough attorneys that I feel I have a good grip on the spectrum, and I like my little niche in the law--for now).  I'm not sure if I feel a need to be a published author, but I do want to start writing again--which is part of why I started this blog.  To that end, I will write for at least 30 minutes per day--if not here, I will be working on some sort of fiction, or, Heaven forbid poetry (oh my gosh, I am a horrible poetess, but as a younger woman poetry really helped me work through a lot of my angst).

So, that is where my thinking has brought me.  I am a middle-aged woman with a fantastic husband, two adult children (by the way, that's still hard to say or write), a career that is good--not great, not always as fulfilling as I would like it to be, but good.  I work with people I really like, and I do something that I really believe it.  I'm not sure I can ask much more than that.

There it is.