Trust me, this one is a downer......

Just a few weeks ago a friend wrote an email to me that started "It's funny how we form friendships in life and ours has to be one of the funniest."  

He's not wrong.  When we first met, he really disliked me, and I him.  To say we are political opposites is putting it mildly.  What we grew to enjoy in each other is our core values.  Our prioritization of family, community and giving back.

Rich Panelli lost his battle with prostate cancer this week, and he leaves a tremendous hole.  He touched many lives, and leaves behind a fantastic wife, a son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter, a daughter, son-in-law and grandchild on the way and a large group of friends who adored him.

The last month has been a series of tough losses, but for me, this is the toughest.  I will miss telling Rich how wrong he is.  I will miss him looking at me and telling me he doesn't understand how I can be so liberal.  I will miss just knowing he is there.

There is a song from the musical Wicked that came up on my iPhone today "I Knew You."  The most telling line for me is "And we are led/To those who help us most to grow/If we let them/And we help them in return/Well, I don't know if I believe that's true/But I know I'm who I am today/Because I knew you"

For all of my family and friends, especially for Alex and the boys, I appreciate and love you now and always.

As Rich became more and more ill, he started signing off on emails by saying "Be thankful for today."  I am, and I will continue to be--I may even start signing off that way, so don't be surprised if you see it, along with the name Rich Panelli in parentheses.  

Damn I'm getting old......

I'm sitting here watching Beverly Hills Cop with Alex, Devin and Gavin.  The movie is 27 years old.

Remember when we were kids and all the adults around us would talk about how time starts flying by the older you get?  Man, they weren't kidding.  27 years ago I was a high school freshman, in June, our boys will be graduating high school.

Don't get me wrong, the last 27 years have been great.  I graduated high school, college, had kids and got married to the greatest guy ever--the kids haven't turned out too bad, so far.  We've built a pretty good life for ourselves, but damn, 27 years.

I was going to set the world on fire as either an actress or an author, that hasn't so much happened, huh?
I did have plans to marry one of the guys from Duran Duran, and I definitely did better than expected on that front, so there's that :)

So here I sit watching a movie that still has some great lines, decent action scenes and Eddie Murphy back when he was funny.  Good to know that although I may have changed in the last 27 years, some things haven't.

Because Mel asked......

There are lots of losses right now, and this seemed a bit happier and more upbeat than the other stuff going through my head :)

Our fantastic boys, Devin and Gavin were born on January 5, 1993.  They were born after two weeks of hard labor--mine.  The doctor was giving me drugs to stop the labor, but these boys were tenacious.  We have often said that we don't know if their purpose was for good or evil, but they certainly have a purpose.  They arrived at 29.5 weeks (for those who don't know, gestation is usually 40 weeks), just about 3 months early.

Gavin arrived first, at 4:31am and weighing in at 3 lbs, 10.5 ounces.  He had both fists up by his ears, so that made it easier---not.  Once he had his own room, Devin decided he was no longer interested in being born, and he turned over.  This meant that someone had to turn him around--you really don't want to know how they accomplished that, but I can say that seeing a hand on the sonogram is really not a good thing!  After the administration of some really powerful dilators to me, Devin was born at 4:56am and weighed in at 3lbs, 9 ounces.

I could hear them both yelling, so I knew they were breathing, but I wasn't allowed to hold either one.  I was taken to a recovery room, and they were taken to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).  A few hours after their birth, I remember telling my nurse that if someone didn't get me a picture or get me down to the nursery, there was going to be a big problem.  Someone brought me two polaroids of them.

Man were they ugly.  I don't mean "newborn, not-so-cute," I mean really unattractive.  Both had a light coating of hair all over them, and each had a stub on their toosh which was what was left of their tails.  Poor Devin was born with a black eye from where Gavin's foot had been been sitting in his eye socket before they were born.  Devin also had a giant bruise taking up a large part of his forehead from being born.  Gavin was less beat up than his brother, but both of them were in pretty bad shape.

They stayed in the NICU in San Francisco for 8 weeks, then they were transported to the regular nursery at Kaiser in Redwood City.  There were lots of procedures, a couple of little "fixes" that needed to be made and a scare where we thought that Gavin might have to give Devin a kidney, but that didn't end up needing to happen.  Gavin came home at 10 weeks old, and weighed exactly 5 pounds.  Devin came home two weeks later at 12 weeks old and weighed 4 pounds 14 ounces.

Fast forward 18 years and a few days, and they are now grown.  Devin is about 6 foot 1 and weighs about 175, Gavin is about 6 foot tall and weighs around 170.  They are both great kids, and Alex and I are so proud of all they have accomplished, and their amazing potential.

So how come all week I keep looking at them and seeing those tiny little funny looking babies?  Is it a parent thing, does everyone look at their kids and see them as little still?  I know that they are practically grown, but I would still feel better if we could send them out every morning wrapped in bubble wrap.  I don't know what the next few years hold for them, but I trust that they will make the best of whatever life hands them.

So, Mel there's the (brief) story of Devin and Gavin's birth.  There are far more interesting stories, but this one has a pretty good end, in that they survived--despite the odds.  They aren't developmentally challenged--despite the odds.  They aren't blind or deaf (except when they choose to be)--despite the odds.

Have you ever.....

Considered causing massive injuries to another person?  Someone you love?  Like, I don't know, your children who will be 18 in just a few days and should totally be able to take a punch...you know, just as an example.

Now, let me say that I love my children dearly.  I would lay down my life for them, and I will never stop loving them, no matter what.  It's also worth noting that I would feel really bad about it if I hurt them.  I mean really bad...like smack my head on the floor bad.

How are you be almost 18 and can't get your damn chores done?  How can you be almost 18 and not remember a gosh damned thing?  How can you be almost 18, know what pisses your parents off and continue to do those things?  Seriously, have you no sense of self-preservation children?

For two hours this afternoon, Alex and I went back and forth with Devin and Gavin.  About their lack of responsibility at home and with school, about their amazing responsibility at work, and why we can't get a little of that at home.  I mean jeez, their chores take maybe an hour and a half a week total.  Really?  You can't give an hour and a half a week for your rent, board, clothing, video games, entertainment and undying love and support?  Really?

Now, lest you think the boys totally suck (they don't, but today was definitely a greatest hits of suckiness sort of a day), they are great kids.  Decent students (B average), great with kids, animals and old people.  They've had the same jobs for over three years, they don't drink and party like I did at their age, and they are reliable for every adult that isn't Alex and I.  Just good guys all around, the big problem they have is that they can't seem to follow through on things. Like homework, chores, college applications, making plans....you know, life!

So, you know, the urge to cause them pain is sometimes high.  Tonight it's all mellow--good dinner, fun hanging out after taking Christmas down today.  Alex and I are not feeling great, and they are worried and helpful.  For them, the drama is over.  For me, it may be a long night.

I have to begin somewhere.......

It's January 1st, and I have been thinking of posting a blog/journal for months.  I like nice, round beginnings, and the first day of the year seems to fit the bill.

Truth be told, this is a little bit my sister's fault.  She blogs, her husband blogs, and I read them both.  I have a friend who blogs about local politics and civic issues, and I read that too.  I'm not certain that I have anything to say, and I am even less certain that anyone is interested in reading anything that I have to say, but I have hope that getting something, anything down in print will help me start writing again.

I used to want to be a writer, went to college and got a degree in creative writing and everything.  Over the years though, I have started to second guess everything I write.  I currently write reports for a living, which is the exact opposite of creative writing, and that's probably part of the issue too.  Mostly though, I just think there's never enough time.  Isn't that the lament that everyone uses for everything we can't or don't want to get to?  There's never enough time.

Time.  Kind of a weird concept.  There isn't ever enough of it for us, except for when there is too much of it.

If you are waiting for test results, there is too much time.  If you are treating the disease diagnosed with by the test results, there just isn't enough.  When you are in labor, there is too much time, when you are looking at your boys applying to colleges, there just isn't enough.  When you want something desperately, there is too much time, when you are watching something or someone slip away, there is just isn't enough.

Right now I have a friend who is ill.  Really ill, like trying to buy time with treatment, because curing what is wrong with him isn't an option.  I know someone who just lost their mother.  I know someone who just lost their best friend after a brave battle and two bone marrow transplants.  I know lots of people who's lives are amazing, and lots of people who's lives are challenging.

Right now my life is good and I am grateful for it.  I've certainly had challenges, and will have more challenges in the future.

Right now, my time seems like it is flowing too fast.  Maybe keeping track of it with this blog will help.  Maybe it won't.  Maybe I will make some sense in this thing.  Maybe I won't.

For now though, I am taking my first steps on the Yellow Brick Road, thanks for following along.