On Mothers and Motherhood.......

I am lucky enough to have my mom still, and I am grateful for her presence, but I'll be honest, I haven't always been.

My mom has had many names:  Sarge, The Great White Huntress, She Who Must be Obeyed and Mu-ther (usually said with an eye roll).  Now she is Mom, Ma if I am trying to get her attention (she is not hearing as well as she used to, unless you whisper, she's still all over a whisper).

My mom and I are close now, but that wasn't always the case.  Truth, I haven't always understood her.  A lot of that changed when I turned 21.  Not because I magically became an adult or because she suddenly "got" me, but because I suddenly "got" her.

That was the night I found out how hard it was for my mom to keep me.  Not have me, that was apparently the easy part, but to keep me.  You see, the thing is, she was planning to give me up for adoption.  She had me, I was in the nursery and she had chosen not to see me.  Then one of the nurses decided to put me in her arms while she was asleep (now with HIPPA and privacy policies and nursing ethics and all, she would have likely lost her job, but thank goodness this was 1969).  She saw me, fell instantly in love (really, I used to be cute, as hard as that is to believe) and decided that she needed to keep me.  Unfortunately, this was 1969, and initial papers had been signed, and she was a single parent.  So, within a few days of giving birth to me, she had to go back to work and earn money to keep me.

Reading the letter my mom wrote to me when I was born sitting at Max's Opera Cafe at Stanford drinking my first (legal) cocktail and heading to see Bill Cosby at the Circle Star, I got it.  I got the hardness, I got the fight I had often witnessed in her.  Most of all though, I got how important I was to her when I was born and that by giving me the letter she had written so long ago, how important I was to her when I turned 21.

Fast forward a little under two years, and I found out I was pregnant.  First, I was shocked, because I would have told you I couldn't be pregnant.  Second, I was shocked because the doctor said I was further along than was biologically possible.  Third, I was shocked because although I was terrified, and needed to know everything I could before I said it out loud, I found that deep down in my heart, in the place where you are brutally honest with yourself, I knew I was going to be a Mom.

When I told my mom, she only had one question for me "What do you want to do?  Whatever the answer to that question is, I will help you do that."  And I knew she would, because she knew.

I had to go to a different hospital in order to get a sonogram, and it was another hour-and-a-half home from that hospital.  I asked the tech how far along she thought I was, told her I just needed to know if the baby was healthy, and asked her to seal the pics in an envelope for me.

I got home, called my doctor and said "I guess I need to set a follow-up appointment, because we're doing this."  She asked me if I freaked out when I saw that it was twins and I dropped the phone and slid down the wall.  I hadn't opened the envelope.  When I did, there they were--two profiles, two melon sized heads.  Two babies.

My mom laughed hysterically and said "You have never once done anything the easy way."  My uncle just laughed uncontrollably and my aunt said "One for you and one for me."

Alex said........well, that's a different story.

Happy Mother's Day Mom--I told our little story out here on the internet because I want people to know that when I say now to people who knew us then that we really are great friends now, they will understand how that happened.  And they will understand when I say Thank You with a great sincerity for fighting so hard to keep me.

Thank you to Alex for making me a better Mom, and thank you to Devin and Gavin for making sure that I have built up my patience inch by inch.  I love you all.

25 years later.......

25 years ago this month I accepted a scholarship and put down a deposit at Mills College.  I can honestly say that if it weren't for Mills College, I wouldn't have the amazingly blessed life that I have.

Everything important in my life now came as a result of my attending a college I had no intention of attending.

You see, 25 years ago as a senior in high school, the idea of a women's college (though I would likely have said a girls school) was absolutely ridiculous to me.  There was this teacher though, Hale Keller.  Mr. Keller was my favorite teacher in high school (I loved many teachers in high school, but Mr. Keller was THE ONE) if he had said "jump" I would have asked "how high?"  So as I was applying to colleges, Mr. Keller said "There is this school in Oakland, and I think you would really like it."  I said, "no thank you."  He then had the information and application sent to me.  When I hadn't applied and the deadline was approaching, he implored me.  He said it would make him really happy if I gave it a shot (which sounded a lot like "jump" to me)---and so, I applied.

I got in, and I got a great scholarship/financial aid offer.  The best I had gotten from any school, but I still didn't want to go.

Then they sent information for Prospect Weekend, and Mr. Keller said "Well, what could it hurt to go?" So I went, and I took my Mom (which considering how we weren't getting along at the time was rather a miracle).

We drove onto the campus, and Mom (not really given to hysterics) closed her eyes and said "Up here there is a Spanish style building with ivy all over it" and we passed the Music Building.  Then she said "On the corner up here there is a pond with a little fountain in the middle" sure enough there was.  Then she said "There is a huge three story white building with a big oval drive" and there it was, Mills Hall.
We parked and my mom said "When you were less than a year old I had a dream about your college graduation, and this is where it was.  I woke up saying 'I just got her, you can't take her yet.'"  Okay, weird, but still not interested.

Then I met my hostess, Lisa Kremer.  To say that Lisa rocked is sort of an understatement--she really rocked.  She wrote for the school paper, she had awesome friends, and she was so flippin' nice to me (not something I was used to at that age.....even then I was sort of an acquired taste).  Then there were the classes.  Lots of girls (women, I know) with opinions and professors who were listening to them, the classes were small and actually taught by the professors not by teaching assistants.

I was smitten.  I went and spoke with the Admissions Office, accepted their offer and gave them a check for (gulp) $2500.  At that time the largest single check I had ever written.

Many people know what followed.  The first semester I was placed on academic probation, because I had never really learned to study, and the classes were difficult.  I puled it out the second semester, and made it back the next fall--I had great guardian angels.  I made great friends in college--lots of them I still love dearly, and many of whom I would drop everything to help do just about anything.

Then I went to the Theatre Department Open House Barbeque and met this cute guy.  His name was Alex and it turned out he was the son of the Chair of the Theatre Department, his car had broken down on the way from Stockton to Oakland, and I gave him my car to get back.  We started dating, broke up badly, went worse from there and then we didn't speak for five years.  We got back together, got married, merged our families, grew a couple of giant boys, got a cat, got a dog, got a house and are growing old and falling apart together.

I got a lot of things out of my college experience, but, by far the most amazing is my husband--he is my best friend, a great father, one of the most intelligent people I have ever known and an all around fantastic guy.  We have a blessed life and it is all......

.....because Mr. Keller knowing me better than I knew myself :).